Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Reflective Blog.

As part of my New Year's Resolution I promised that I would keep my blog up better, and that also means better quality blogging. I'm only 7 days into the New Year and so far I've been making good on my promises. I've been working out, trying to watch what I eat, stay away from temptation (curse you Village Inn!). I've been looking for patience. All those things.

Although, people have been (privately) asking me about my resolution about being kinder to myself. In fact a friend at work and I were speaking about it. She couldn't believe that I had made that a resolution and she wanted an explanation. Here it be.

I guess I would need to explain how my mind works. Wait....there is no way I could explain that in blog. It would have to be a textbook with sections and diagrams and all sorts of things. Let me explain how my inner voice works. Everyone has an "inner voice". It's the thing that reminds to you brush your teeth, stand up straight, and that the things you do may or may not be inappropriate for the current situation.

My inner voice though, it's well....hmm. The best way I could describe it is a small elf like thing that roams around in my brain. This is not a kind elf. In fact, you could say that my inner voice is the MOST unkind, cruel elf in the entire world. I do not have a kind inner voice, and like me, my inner voice does not shut up. Seriously, when I'm having a conversation with someone, or doing something (like acting onstage, flirting with a boy, or trying to do laundry) my inner voice cuts down how I do it into little tiny pieces and stomps on it like a bug.

Now I'm sure, most people have inner voices similar to mine, the problem is, I listen too mine nine times out of ten. I take pretty much everything that my inner voice says as cold hard solid fact. I try not to ever show that on the out side.

Confused? I know I am, the best way I can equate it is that my whole being, who I am what I do, where I go is like a castle wall. On the outside is me, just regular old me. On the inside is my inner voice, with a sledge hammer. Every time that my inner voice trashes the wall from the inside, outside me not only tries to fix the holes, but also makes the wall that much bigger so that the holes aren't as noticeable. The problem is, outside me has to work very fast so it's shoddy workmanship, but you only know that if you poke at the wall. People rarely poke the wall because it's so big and they aren't focusing on one little thing, they are just overtaken by the enormity of the wall. They don't notice the holes and they don't notice the crappy workmanship.

So tonight on my drive home from Jesters workshop (not going to Village Inn, too many food temptations!) I started to tell off my inner voice. Basically telling it to go to hell, that I could care less what it thinks and that I don't need it making assumptions and decisions about my life. My inner voice of course, told me to go to hell right back and that she wasn't going anywhere. She also said some very cruel things (like she usually does) to make me back down. It will be a lot of hard work and it will take a chunk of my time, but I will detach her from me. I will stop believing her.

I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me, dear readers. Nor do I tell you this so that you can compliment me out the wahzoo. I tell you this so that I will have to accept responsibility in being kinder to myself.

So keep watching this next year as I take down the ultimate villain.....THE INNER VOICE!

1 comment:

Deanna said...

you can do it! I have that problem sometimes too. especially when other people feed my "elf." you're one of the coolest people (I know me telling you isn't going to stop the elf) so I think it's about time that elf steps down and lets you shine. you could try telling it "you have a good point, but look at this and this. that proves you're wrong." good luck!