Saturday, August 8, 2009

Open Letters/Rants

I'm a little bit grumpy this morning and I have NOTHING to do right now. Most of these are pretty sarcastic.

Dear Job-
Thank you so much for stealing my Saturday sleep-in's to do nothing but sit on my butt for most of the day and feel extremely useless. I don't care if I get paid to do it, I'd rather be doing it at home, for free, in my bed. At the same time, I'm really greatful I have you, and should be way more apreciative.

Dear Every Attractive Married/Gay Guy working at the hospital-
Thanks for looking so fantasic and making me all giddy inside with your dumb compliments only to remind me that YOU ARE MARRIED/GAY. There should be a natural law that makes you ugly after you get married/come out. You frustrate me.

Dear Glute muscles-
I'm glad you are in so much pain this morning, it's making walking around so much fun.

Dear People with Annoying children-
Keep your eyes on them, it's not anyones job but yours. Don't breed them if you can't take care of them. I hate your parenting style, oh and I probably hate you.

Dear Weather-
Normally, I LOVE this weather, but today, you are making me achy and creaky and I sound like an old lady when I complain about my sore joints.

Dear Married people,
Complaing about being married to someone who is not? Never a good idea. I mean, I understand, you miss your single life, you miss being able to do what you want, you miss being independent, I get that. But saying you wish you had my life is sort of an insult. I love my life, don't get me wrong, but telling a single person all about how terrible it is to be married doesn't make me feel any better that I am without said marriage. I know it's not the most important thing in the world, getting married, but it's something I long for. I long for companionship and you treating your with such contempt and annoyance is a little bit of a slap in the face. Don't tell me I get more action that you do. I get NO ACTION unless I'm willing to be skanky and just "get some" for the sake of "getting some" which I don't do. You have a live in person who will from time to time give you that affection that all humans crave. Yeah, it may not be as much as you like but that person genuinely loves you and all the hassel of always looking good and always saying the right things is no longer in the picture.

Hem Hem...moving on.

Dear Long Drive I Have To Do Today-
I just don't even want to think about you. Why can't we just build pneumatic tubes all over and just use those to get where we need to?

Dear Ginormously Large Spiders in the Basement-
Enjoy your small pitiful lives, once I figure out how to get rid of you, there will be arachnacide. Make no mistake. You will be pitiful bad guys and I will be Chuck Norris. Prepare yourself aptly.

Okay, now some nice ones

Dear Hair-
I don't really miss you as much as I thought I would. Thanks for letting me take a huge risk with you, it's been a fun transition.

Dear Rachel-
You are amazing, I just can't even begin to explain how awesome it's been to have you in my life. La casa de Racel and Brittay is going to be an amazing adventure and I can't think of anyone else I would rather have as my sidekick/wingwoman/partner in crime than you.

Dear Mill-
Thanks for realizing that I'm in a bad mood today and letting me make fun of you and takin it all in stride. You are the best boss/co-worker a grumpy kid like me could ask for.

Dear Fiesty Don't-Give-A-Damn Old Ladies-
You make me laugh, make me look forward to getting old someday, and just all around are the most amazing people to meet. Never change no matter what anyone says.

Dear Pink Sweatshirt-
You were a comfy cozy companion today. Thanks for staying soft and cuddly and making me feel better.

Dear 500 Days of Summer-
Thanks for giving me something really cool to look forward to today. It's been a small talsiman inside me keeping me going through my grumpy-ness.

Dear Anyone Who reads this blog-
Thanks, that's all I can say.


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