Reflective Blog.

As part of my New Year's Resolution I promised that I would keep my blog up better, and that also means better quality blogging. I'm only 7 days into the New Year and so far I've been making good on my promises. I've been working out, trying to watch what I eat, stay away from temptation (curse you Village Inn!). I've been looking for patience. All those things.

Although, people have been (privately) asking me about my resolution about being kinder to myself. In fact a friend at work and I were speaking about it. She couldn't believe that I had made that a resolution and she wanted an explanation. Here it be.

I guess I would need to explain how my mind works. Wait....there is no way I could explain that in blog. It would have to be a textbook with sections and diagrams and all sorts of things. Let me explain how my inner voice works. Everyone has an "inner voice". It's the thing that reminds to you brush your teeth, stand up straight, and that the things you do may or may not be inappropriate for the current situation.

My inner voice though, it's well....hmm. The best way I could describe it is a small elf like thing that roams around in my brain. This is not a kind elf. In fact, you could say that my inner voice is the MOST unkind, cruel elf in the entire world. I do not have a kind inner voice, and like me, my inner voice does not shut up. Seriously, when I'm having a conversation with someone, or doing something (like acting onstage, flirting with a boy, or trying to do laundry) my inner voice cuts down how I do it into little tiny pieces and stomps on it like a bug.

Now I'm sure, most people have inner voices similar to mine, the problem is, I listen too mine nine times out of ten. I take pretty much everything that my inner voice says as cold hard solid fact. I try not to ever show that on the out side.

Confused? I know I am, the best way I can equate it is that my whole being, who I am what I do, where I go is like a castle wall. On the outside is me, just regular old me. On the inside is my inner voice, with a sledge hammer. Every time that my inner voice trashes the wall from the inside, outside me not only tries to fix the holes, but also makes the wall that much bigger so that the holes aren't as noticeable. The problem is, outside me has to work very fast so it's shoddy workmanship, but you only know that if you poke at the wall. People rarely poke the wall because it's so big and they aren't focusing on one little thing, they are just overtaken by the enormity of the wall. They don't notice the holes and they don't notice the crappy workmanship.

So tonight on my drive home from Jesters workshop (not going to Village Inn, too many food temptations!) I started to tell off my inner voice. Basically telling it to go to hell, that I could care less what it thinks and that I don't need it making assumptions and decisions about my life. My inner voice of course, told me to go to hell right back and that she wasn't going anywhere. She also said some very cruel things (like she usually does) to make me back down. It will be a lot of hard work and it will take a chunk of my time, but I will detach her from me. I will stop believing her.

I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me, dear readers. Nor do I tell you this so that you can compliment me out the wahzoo. I tell you this so that I will have to accept responsibility in being kinder to myself.

So keep watching this next year as I take down the ultimate villain.....THE INNER VOICE!

On this day.....

24 years ago, a beautiful woman was born. She passed away on July 12th this year (okay actually last year). I miss her a lot. She was a wonderful, supportive, fantastic friend. Little things every day remind me she's always nearby, things I see that make me smile and think of her.
I'm not sad anymore that she's gone, I know she is happy and finally healthy and out of pain. I know she's doing an amazing work for Heavenly Father, and she's a beautiful reminder to be a better person every day.

As such, I've been reflecting on what I need to do this year to become a better person. I mean yes, it's also the new year and that makes everyone reflect and I'm going to make some REASONABLE resolutions.

1. (The Obvious One) Get healthy, lose weight, and exercise more.
2. Read my scriptures more diligently
3. Become more kind to myself
4. Look for more experiences to become a more patient woman
5. Just as I ask others to accept me for who I am, I need to accept them they way they are.
6. Take every opportunity that I can to take pictures.
7. Keep my blog updated better, and not just open letter blogs, they are the easy way out.

List of The Awesome of 2009

So I had a really fantastic year and I had this plan for a beautiful year in review with lots of pictures, but like usual, I have left it to the last minute. So you get a random list of my year and what was fun about it.


In the past year I have:

-Moved out and became and adult!
-Kissed 2 boys
-Had my heart broken 3 times
-Met some amazing life long friends
-Got a roommate who I literally have 3 million inside jokes with
-Bought a fish
-Buried a fish
-Bought a turtle
-Bought a new camera
-Started a small (emphasis on small) photography buisness
-Became a ghetto Martha Stewart
-Cut off all of my hair
-Went to Lake Powell for the first time in my life
-Tubed for the first time in my life
-Visited Texas to watch my sister graduate
-Lost 15 pounds
-Gained them back
-Had a car die
-Became more nerdy than I ever thought I could be
-Fell in love with The Doctor (aka David Tennant)
-Met Frank Warren
-Met a lot of members of the Jazz
-Met Mark Hoppus (for 3 whole seconds!)
-Saw Blink-182 and Britney Spears in concert
-Took some BEAUTIFUL pictures of my beautiful friends
-A bunch of late night amazing adventures including night shoots, movie midnight showings, and random trips to walmart at 2 in the morning
-Ate cheesecake on a stick
-Saw a Neil Diamond impersonator
-Lost a long time friend to a battle with cancer
-Learned to use Photoshop!
-Went to Lagoon twice in a week with good friends
-Went to the State Fair
-Took a spur of the moment trip up to Yellowstone
-Watched a friendship I thought would last forever crumble in a weekend
-Joined an Improv group and kind of met my soulmates
-Built a sheet fort in my living room
-Got an amazing job and have some AMAZING people there
-15 new nicknames? That might be a record for me
-Had an AMAZING Halloween costume that I made myself
-Got an addiction to my glue gun!
-Spent a great evening at the Organ Loft with some great friends
-Played a lot of video games
-Dyed my hair no less than 12 times (it could have been more, I don't really remember)
-Bought 8 Threadless t-shirts for myself (I bought 5 more but they went to other people
-Enriched my "theatre" side
-Found out why I am the way I am (ESFP forever!)
-Dealt with a gross mouse
-Got closer to God (yay!)
-Made a bunch of awesome headbands
-Had one fantastic weekend up at Bear Lake
-More trips to Cafe Rio than I would ever care to count
-Loved life!

After a year, I'm still as in love with this city as I was those first few days I explored downtown, I'm still in love with my bathroom, still in love with my house, still in love with everything really. I've had a beautiful year.

Up on the agenda for next year? A whole lot of adventures for sure but there will be a cruise to Mexico for my 24th birthday, (hopefully, but doubtfully) a trip to ComicCon in July, lots of school (bleh), turning 24, much more open letter blogs, and hopefully.....love. Tee Hee.

Hope you stick with me for the next year! HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!

Insert Clever Title Here

So I'm gearing up for the epic blog that will be happening chronicling my year in review. Don't worry though, there won't be any celebrity feuds, political scandals, or best songs of the year on this one though. In preparation and hopes that I don't take away all my brain power from this epic blog I'm posting everyone's favorite feature...open letters!

Dear Beverage-
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Dear Mom-
I'm so glad you are more "big picture" than me. It helps to have someone who makes me step back and see the whole thing. I love you.

Dear Ron-
I know we aren't SUPER close, but I love the nerdy bond that you and I share. I love that we understand each other in a way that no one else ever will. You are the best big brother a nerdy girl like me could hope for. I love you too.

My Jesters-
You all bring something to the table that enriches my life in ways I never thought possible. You have not only given me a beautifully fun creative outlet for my emotions and energy, but you have given me a great second family to move into. You have introduced me to a way of performing that I could have never achieved on my own. I know we all have our share of problems and there are some things that definetly need to be adressed and fixed, but overall, I love spending time with all of you and wouldn't change it for the world.

Dear Remy-
There are many thing I love about you and I could spend three or four hours listing them but for now I will pick the numero uno reason. You are SO easy to shop for when it comes to Christmas presents. Bless you, you fantastic woman. May all your sons be bishops.

Dear Boy-
Get out of my head, stay away from my dreams, and stop making my heart beat so fast. You are ruining everything.

Dear Super Snotty Nurse
I do not apreciate the way you spoke to me today. I may just be an aide, but I work here and I pull my weight, I deserve as much respect as the next person. I don't care if you have a BSN or not. You are the worst example of healthy living, you smoke and are *morbidly obese so get off my back.

Dear Alejandra-
You are seriously the sweetest woman ever. I love speaking my crap-tacular Spanish with you, you alway think I'm so cute and funny. I wish I could see myself the way you see me. You are amazing. "Feliz Navidad y un Felicidades Nuevo Ano! Te Amo!"

Dear Mr. Tennant-
Good Lord, I LOVE YOU. I hope someday I meet your fantastic face and get to tell you exactly how much I love you. I mean, you have knocked Matthew Gray Gubler right out of the number 1 spot as my biggest celebrity crush. That is something no one has been able to do for 3 some odd years now. Congrats. I don't know how I will react to the newest Doctor taking over for you, I don't know if I will like it as much. But good night nurse, you are AMAZING!

Dear Stomach-
Cease and desist all hostilities towards me immediatly! Throw down your weapons and come out with your hands up.

Dear Robert Kirby-
I've never thanked you, but you are always a bright spot on my day when I read your column. I wish more men in the church were like you. I won't say I wish they all were because then nothing would ever get done and the church would never move forward because all the men would be busy sitting in thier recliners annoying thier wives or finding ways to not put up Christmas lights and not service their snowblowers. But if just a few more men were like you in the Church, there might be a little more love and a little less politics.

Dear Gus-Gus
Glad you aren't a part of our home anymore. I got sort of paranoid walking around barefoot. I wore shoes when I didn't need to, that's a big deal. I can sleep a lot better too knowing you aren't running around ruining everything. I won't miss you, not one bit.

Dear Anyone Reading This-
Merry Christmas/Happy Hannuka/Happy Kwanza/Happy Winter Solictice and any other holidays celebrated at this time of year. I'm glad you stick with me even when I don't keep up updated or I'm grumpy or I write crappy blogs.



*I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest. Nurses that don't follow general heath practices like not smoking and staying with in a realativly healthy weight tick me off. This lady is easily 350 pounds, trust me. I would never fault a person for being overweight considering I am, but people who let themselves go as far as she had are just plain lazy and generally annying.

Thankful List

So Thanksgiving is coming up and OF COURSE I have to do a thankful list.

This is of course in no particular order so here is the things I'm Thankful for

1. The great journey this last year has been moving away from home and really finding out who I am.
2. Rachel, she has been the singularly greatest friend that God has ever sent my way
3. My mom and the great relationship that has blossomed between the two of us this year.
4. My 4 fantastic siblings and 2 great in-laws who make me feel pretty freaking awesome
5. The 3 beautiful small people that call me Aunt Brittany
6. The house I live in and that I'm safe and warm and have electricity and I have a great landlord.
7. The plain and simple fact that my roommates haven't killed me yet.
8. That I live in a country where I'm allowed to have my own thoughts and opinions
9. A beautiful knowledge of my Savior and his love for me. Not to mention the peace it brings in these difficult times
10. Amazing friends
11. Even though it's not a very much, a steady paycheck from a job which most days? I ADORE
12. Grandparents who love me
13. The Jesters Royale
14. Two functioning eyes, ears, arms, legs, kidneys, and lungs. One functioning voice, brain, heart, and stomach.
15. Jung, Meyers, and Briggs for making me understand why I am the way I am. ESFP!
16. Dustin for introducing me to being an ESFP
17. The Late Pheonix and Evo Shandor
18. Photoshop
19. Facebook
20. DSL Internet Connections
21. The Amazing people that serve this country in the Armed Forces and The Families that love and support them
22. My gold NES
23 My green DS Lite
24. Vaughn (my laptop)
25. Juno (My first camera)
26. Reid (My new Camera)
27. Pinky McGee (my ipod)
28. Public Transportation
29. Robert Brooklyns (he invented the hot glue gun)
30. John and Hank Green and Nerdfighters everywhere
31. Frank Warren
32. Win Co and it's well priced good
33. The borrowed PS2 that is living at our house
34. Pie
Lastly,
35. My Gondor. That little green achieva that got me everwhere I needed to go for almost two years now. He died yesterday and I'm not looking forward to replacing him.

What are you thankful for?

Interestingly old blog.

This was an old blog I found saved on my hard drive. It's Nothing like I've ever written before and I'm actually really quite proud of the picture it paints. I was stretching my muscles with this one. Enjoy!

Warning: This was written VERY late at night as a recount of a dream I had. It's a tad gruesome and VERY emo sounding. I am also under the influence of an influx of hormones and cannot be held responsible for any thing I say as of late. Read with careful footing.

The table sits in the middle of a light. Like a scene out of bad cop movie it illuminates the very center of the table. But instead of a smoking detective and a dejected/overly egotistical criminal, I'm alone. And in place of crime scene photo's or some such evidence my heart sits.

Now I'm talking real heart, with the three branches of the aorta, the chambers, the nodes, everything. Not so different then the pig hearts I watched mercilessly dissected in Anatomy lab. It looks like Jason, Freddy, or some such other equally scary villain from a horror flick has been by. Yet, seeing my heart sitting there on the table doesn't frighten me. It makes me nervously happy.

Next to my heart is one of those manila padded packing envelopes. Much like the ones C.D.'s are sent in. All that's left to do is to put the contents inside, seal it, and put on a stamp. I'm amazed at the fact that such an object could fit into an envelope. It's so simple. Simple.

But putting my hand in my pocket reveals the problem. The invitation I had sent only weeks ago has been sent back without an answer. No resounding "Yes" no disappointing "No" just....nothing. I'm not sure whether to send it or not. My heart just sits there on the table. Collecting germs and dust and God knows what else waiting to either be shoved back into the deep recesses of my body beneath the protective layer of my ribs or be placed, lovingly into the envelope to be sent to someone else.

I mean, come on! It's my heart, how hard would it have been to answer the invitation with some clear, defined choice? It's not like I'm offering my kidney or a lung. I'm not even sending my useless spleen. I'm sending the heart. The stuff of poets, people.

Should I have offered my brain, would that have garnered more interest? No, no one wants the brain when they could have the heart! The heart is meatier. It's bloodier. The brain only leaks Cerebrospinal Fluid, who cares about that?

So I sit. I hm and ha for a time, wondering exactly what to do. They don't have a manual for this. There is no "What to do with your heart now that it's out and you don't know where to put it" for Dummies, they have Circutbuilding, Tarot, Baby Massage (?), Sex, and yes, Mormonism for Dummies, but no yellow book on this.

What the hell am I supposed to do. Emily Post, I need your help!

No help comes. So I sit in a straight backed metal chair, just watching. Watching as my heart dries out and begins to stain the crappy plastic tabletop. Not even bleach is going to get this out in the morning.

I don't think any amount of scrubbing will get this mess off my shirt either. For crying out loud there is a giant crater in my chest, there is no way you can cover that up with an overlarge sweater or a blanket or something. There is a crater that would let me fit in on the moon staring up at me from my torso.

So what do I do. I do nothing....

I just sit there and watch my heart start to shrivel. Lack of fluid, lack of oxygen, lack of use. I don't need a microscope to watch the tissues die. Anyone could see that.

I do nothing.....nothing but cry over the loss of something so cherished, I loved that damn thing. The only sound that punctuates the cries is complete silence, silence and indifference. Silence so palpable it feels like a second skin.

No I must sit here until I can make a decision or something happens....whichever comes first I guess.

Open Letters...Again

So I'm all kinds of nervous and excited for my debut tonight so I can only write in open letters. I can't think too much or I'll freak myself out.

Dear Tummy-
Seriously? Do you need to be upset ALL day? I'm aware it's mostly nerves, but still. I need some freaking pepto.

Dear Tonight-
I've been waiting for you for a while.

Dear Evo Shandor-
You are the only one for me, you adorable turtle. I hope you and I have a long life together!

Dear Acute Therapy Staff-
I never thought I would ever fit in with you, but the last few days I finally realized something. I do. You are a (relatively) great group of people and I'm so happy to be working here.

Dear Self-
I've so far never written to you, but seriously? You cleaned your room on Wednesday and it's already a MESS! Get with the program sister. You aren't 8 years old anymore!

Dear Rachel-
You, Me, passports, CABO, cruise ship, sunshine, photos, turtles, Halloween, dance parties, internet, man-bashing, "GRRRR, Satchel", awkward conversations that aren't actually awkward because we agree on it, boyfriend and royfriend. Need I say more?

Dear Amazing People in My Life,
Thanks so much in advance for coming to the show tonight. The fact that you are there will make life so much easier!

Dear Jacob-
Believe it or not, I adore our awkward non-conversations. You are a hillarious friend. Can't wait to magnify the awkwardness in February!

Dear Autumn/Fall-
GAH you have been so gorgeous the last week. I hope it stays like this until Thanksgiving. Hell, I'd like it to stay like this till Christmas. Just snow in the mountains to keep the skiers and the farmers happy.

Dear Sinclair-
You seriously make me laugh too much. I'm so glad to have found somone else who enjoys singing random crap like an opera. You are one of my favorite people ever! I love when you tease me about my 15%, and you understand my points of views on being a normal Mormon instead of a Stormin Mormon. I'm glad to have someone as awesome as you in my corner.

Dear Rocket Dog Shoes-
I would gladly be a walking advertisment for all of your shoes. They are comfortable, durable, and really quirky awesome. I haven't loved shoes the way I love yours since the Green 'Roos of 2005. Plaid sneakers, pink moccasins, and gold running shoes? You make me look like a crazy awesome person. You are the best.

Dear Chai Latte-
Why did it take you so long to kick in today? I'm suddenly not feeling so tired but I drank you nearly 6 hours ago! What gives? Wait...that could have been the Diet Coke I drank at lunch. You did nothing Chai Lattes! Booooo. I still love you though!

Dear Cassie-
I wish you could be here tonight. I know where you are is the place you are supposed to be. Doing the Lords word is pretty important, but my debut won't be the same without you. I know you will be thinking about me and sending happy thoughts my way though. You are the best and I can't wait till you get home!

Dear Keri, The Jakes, Blake-Face, Inigo, and Brady-
I don't think I could ask for a better team to spend my evening with. I know I won't screw up too bad with Blake at the helm and the rest of you helping me be my best. Thanks for accepting me into your flock of awesome!

Nervously yours-
Brittany